anguish

i dont feel right today.
i dont feel like i am losing weight
i feel in fact like i have been wasting my time.
i dont like it.
I guess Im just going to have to find a way to eat less.
on top of all this.
Im so frusterated.
i begging god or gods or whatever higher power is out there.
help me stop feeling this way.
i just want to cry.
:(

Im back! 7 lbs total

So it took me 2 days to get back to purple but I kept eating right.. No matter how badly i wanted not to
the night of the bbq pork rind incident, I went ALL out. but not really. lol..

i went to a lia sophia party
I drank. i had regular vodka with seltzer
and a beer and vodka with diet cola.
i mostly stayed low carb when i ate really just vegitables and cheese at the party. i accidently ate a carrot
ooops.
and i bought a fifty dollar peice of costume jewlery and hung out at the bar..
I kept telling people i went to a tia tequila party... (i was trying to say lia sophia)
gotta say it was nice.
but the next day i hopped right back on.excersised and have been eating right
since then there hasnt been much to note,
Untill now.
My test is back to purple and I have officially dropped 7 lbs.
sweet!
I am having a very productive day and am planning on going on a run with my doggah
cleaning, and repairing my house
and if i have any energy left doing a work out video.
I'll let you know what happens.
later!

First failure.. :(

Day four
I wake up, watch low carb cooking shows, eat eggs and sausages and go out with my dog.
I was in ketosis last night i weighed 4 pounds less this morning. I was sooo damn purple.
untill the pork rinds.. i got hungry again
when i went out shopping.. :( so while i was out i bought a bunch of pork rinds.. :( most of them
bbq.. on the nutrition facts it said it had no sugars and half way through the bag i saw that sugar
was the third ingrediant listed.. WTF!!
i run home after running my dog around, and test my pee..
beige.
If i knew this was going to happen, i would have gone out drinking last night like i damn well wanted to.
Not ate some frikkin stupid pork rinds! I dont even like pork rinds! argh!! i just wanted something crunchy!!!
whatever.. gotta start over i guess.
ttyl.

KETOSIS!

day three.
I am in ketosis! i bought the strips today and i am purple as aaaaaa... purple thing!
oddly enough, the only thing that im really missing is going out.. i wonder how many michalob
ultras one can have before they fall out of ketosis?
Im not gonna tempt it just yet..
yet..

starting on southbeach.

Alhough I have been excersisng and attempting to diet, weeks have passed and i have yet to lose
any real weight.
So, yesterday i stowed all the carbs and sugars off my cabenet shelf, and gave away a lot of it
and found this list and started eating low carb.
so yesterday this is what i consumed.

sausage onions and peppers with scrambled eggs w/ cheese

went to mcdonalds cos i got really hungry and ate two mcdoubles, no bread no ketchup

steak tips and roasted asparagus.

when i craved sweets.. (and i did) i nursed a bottle of speite zero because it has no carbs calories or caffiene.

TODAY
I have had so far
breakfast
bacon and scrambled eggs

lunch
giant garden salad with Kens italian dressing. and fat freeze mozzerella cheese.

also i got over myself and asked for an hour to work out in the livingroom..


so far today, I feel prettier and more motivated. cool.. I'll take that.
I will be making this list my bible for the next two weeks and deciding where to go from there.
;)

eats today.
banana
peperoni florentine omlet.
old cold coffee over ice
YOGA!!!
I started feeling really shakey and wondered if i needed sugar,
If i had looked back at my breakfast i would have known that it was my
hypercaffinated from age coffee i drank.
maybe i was just looking for an excuse to eat-
the other half of that klondike bar.
1 slice of moms roast beef
some chicken broccoli ziti at my moms.
1 freeze pop
a half a small plate of hamburger helper.. seriously little.
although I am not proud of eating so late at night I am proud of how little i did!
and that is seriously, truly honestly everything i put in my mouth yesterday.

pm

eats yesterday.
Keilbasa Onions peppers eggs and a chocolate croissant

lunch- turkey club.. (even though i was cooking cheesburger clubs)

1/2 klondike bar. (saved the other half for another time)

dinner- Baked gortons fish, and the inside of some spinich pie.. got rid of the crust
because i dont care if its there or not.



i feel like i ate pretty good yesterday.
not a lot of snacking and not a lot of junk food
no exercise though..
Im going to have to work on that today after breakfast which
is going to have some kind of eggwite spinich and feta omlette
because i dont care for the spinich pie i had last night Im going to turn it into something else :)

AM Saturday

eats-
Giant meatastic salad.

dinner- v day dinner (late)
6 oysters raw
an order of fried oysters
twice baked potato..



bowl cheerios skim
orange slices
1 pancake sugar free syrup

sliced turkey and cheese roll ups

chinese food!!!
some pork strips, crab rangoons, dumplings, and small part of a kid happy box..\
urgh.. full...
I know that Chinese was not a good choice. I know that. The problem with the Chinese food
is that you have to order so much food to get what you actually want!
then there is a lot of food in the house and you keep on eating...
I need to stop DOING this!!! If i am ordering dumplings, Thats what i should order. not a kid happy
box of fried food cos "Ill still be hungry after the dumplings" and then my sister wants
crab rangoons so I get a large rangoon and a second order of dumplings for her not to mention that
the kid box already had rangoons in it!!!!
what i should have done was get one kid box one dumpling and one rangoon and split the whole thing with
amber!!! what was i thinking! and by now I have so much money spent that they give me a free general gau chicken!!!
I DONT NEED THAT!!!!! IM ON A DIET!
but I happily take it. and i will try to give it away untill i eventually eat it.



whatever.. whats done is done.. Lesson learned. My sister has come home to roost thereby taking
over my exercise room so I'm going to have to be more clever about timing until she inevitably
goes away again..

so I went grocery shopping today after i drove her to work, and i feel as though i made some good choices
mostly meat dairy fruit and vegetables. and juice and diet drinks.
i avoided the entire center of the store.
I have way too much of that stuff to go through in my house right now to feel good about buying more.
also that stuff is mostly crap..
so a good start to a sick day.. regardless of how sick and voiceless I am.
I think now that Ive vitamined and cleaned up a lil bit I am gonna work out and then go to the ER.

ok, well my plans for today have somewhat changed.
i did Gylad which was HARD by the way I got into the groove that i was in last time..
these shows rock because they come in 10 minute incraments.. First its cardio! and they work your ass off.
but you think just a few more minutes then commercial!!! and then you do the floor work!
crunches (various) and butt!!! (leg lifting) your knee is crunching into the floor cos you arent
really prepaired and have no yoga matt!
but you love it!
and then, the cool down, the sweet strechy cool down.. and then you see a commercial for the bollywood dance
workout and you decide that maybe, just maybe you could work out again in a half hour! so while you wait for the cable guy

you will wash dishes and call the ged lady but not shower. because that would be the end of it.
Yeah, i would say Im back in the swing. if i can keep my momentum. I will be alright.
and yeah I think Im going to keep avoiding my shithead friend who called me fat and ugly, cos i
think that shame spiraled me back into fatness again.

So, for the past month Ive been feeling pretty crappy.
sure I have excersised a few times, and ate a few more salads.
But as far as my newfound boost? no.. that never happened..
The night before valentines day I got ill.. still went out drinking the night away and woke up with
a terrible cold. I mean kick ass. james and I decided that my v-day gift this year could be a gym membership and i toured healthworks last saturday aside from the ginger brandy Im taking with theraflu pm. so, yesterday after work i did that! i slept from about 4-8 pm. then i woke up watched tv till about midnight and went back to bed. This morning when i woke up i didnt think, i just acted.. still sick i got up and did yoga. namaste yoga on fit tv is a very cool program for those of you who dont know.
now Im making bacon hard boiled eggs and crispex (while watching dr oz) for breakfast. after breakfast I am going to exersise with gyllad and run my puppy around the town.
sound like a good start to a one day at a time plan?

cutting the crap

Ok well, I guess I had better start by stating the obvious.
Ive gained weight.
Im unhappy in my skin and need to change things.
so Knowing damn well that if i try to do something very extreme I will probably
not only fail but gain more weight too..
so, I will not go Vegan again or on atkins. (although both have worked for me in the past)
I plan to seriously cut the crap.
I plan to exercise.
I plan to eat a LOT. i want to eat a lot of low fat low calorie and low carb food and
a little of the not so good things so I dont go crazy.
the trick is here. I want to be so full from the good for me foods that I dont need to eat a
whole lot of crappy junky food.
and I plan to talk about it. here. a lot
In the past this has worked Very well for me.
so, Im two days into this and Im going to catch you up.
and I will try to update this daily after that.


monday-

eats-
half cup ice coffee
big bowl of maypo
egg mcmuffin
hash brown

excersise-
shimmy
gyllad

eats-
steamed chicken and vegitables
sm. egg drop soup.
Im pretty proud of myself.

Tuesday
woke up with serious hunger.
eats:
ate a half a SMALL chocolate
muffin slowly while i waited for
hash browns to come out of the oven
3 hash brown pattys for breakfast
3 hard boiled eggs with salt and pepper (usually I add margrine)


excersise:
walked to and from work.

eats:
I got home and james had a bag of doritos.
I had a few handfuls that probably added up to a large
handful of doritos. realized what i had done closed the bag and put it away.
wheat nan pizza yeah it sounds bad, but think about it.
its wheat bread with tomato sauce and two slices of provolone cheese. so basicly the worst part was the cheese.
a few more bites of the chocolate muffin from breakfast cos i
was having a serious chocolate craving. thought twice and
threw the rest of the muffin away.


right now as i speak its 10:38 at night.
and Im still kinda hungry. but im going to go to bed instead.
I need to work early in the morning.
goodnight everyone.